Standing on shaky ground.

It's hard to make who you are clear to everyone.

I struggle to define myself what seems to be every day. Who am I? I'm so many different things. I'm an African American woman, but I'm not a "black" woman. I'm an "Oreo." I'm a daughter. A sister. An aunt. A friend.
I'm a Christian, but what does that mean? Depends on who you talk to. Am I the kind of Christian who can recite verses from memory, or the one who's read their bible from cover to cover? No, I'm not. Things like that do not make you a Christian. Having the knowledge of Christianity does not make you a Christian. I don't have a favorite bible verse. I'm not sure I have a moment where God moved in my life that would give me something to share in a testimony - I don't have a testimony. If I do, I couldn't tell you what it is. All I know is that all my life, I've known there was a God, and I've believed in Him. But I've never been one to wear my Christianity as if it were a t-shirt. In the past year, I've met people who put God absolutely first. They live by the saying that a woman must be so deep in their love for God that a man must find God to get to her. I never thought in such a way before. But I met these people, and they are kind, and so warm and welcoming, and I found friendship. At the same time, without meaning to, they make me question whether or not I'm a "good enough" Christian.
It's frustrating.
I don't feel like how often or not I go to church makes me any less of a Christian. I don't believe that because I don't go WWJD? with every single thing I do, that makes me less of a Christian. I feel tugged in two different directions because while I know that I am a Christian and I believe in God, I don't feel like the friends I have made would understand that I don't feel at home where they do. I've been going to Crosstalk and my first night there, I felt so out of place. But I found people and I belonged, and it was great. And then...it just...wasn't anymore. I started feeling out of place again. And I just don't have it in my heart to go anymore.
I don't know how to tell my roommate. I don't know how to tell my friends. I fear they'll turn first to thinking they need to "save me," that my faith in God is lacking. Not so. God has given me so many blessings, and I am grateful for all of them. But I don't feel that I have a place at Crosstalk anymore. And I just don't know how to say that out loud.

Some of you might roll your eyes at this post, and that's fine. Do what you will. However, this is how I truly feel and this is something I struggle with often. I never used to question who I was as far as my belief and faith, but now I do. I wonder if I'm being "Christian enough", but really, what is "Christian enough"?
I know who I am and where I stand. I think my problem is that I wonder so often how many of these friends I have made will accept it or at least try to understand it.
I don't want them to think any less of me. And sometimes, I feel like they will.

I don't want to be saved. I've been saved already. I just...want to not have to think about it so much. Thinking about it makes me crazy. Being reminded to think about it so often makes me crazy.
I just want to be a Christian, and let that be enough.
I just want to be me, and let that be enough.