Every story begins somewhere.

Hello, hello world.
Or whoever happens to come across this.

I guess I should begin by introducing myself. I'm Marisa, I'm twenty, and I love to write. If this were one of those group meetings where you sit in a circle with strangers and introduce yourself, that is most likely what I would say.
The one thing you have to understand about me, if you get nothing else, is that I'm a writer, through and through. I found my refuge in it when I was thirteen years old. My grandfather - my hero - passed, and I didn't handle his death very well - or at all, really. I spent the following six years of my life battling a (silent) battle against depression - and I carried with me an anger for the God I've always loved, but felt wronged by during that time. It took until the summer of 2008 before I decided to find help, and since then, my days have grown to be so much easier.
Throughout those six years, I spilled my soul best by writing. In notebooks, on napkins...I have more print-outs from Microsoft Word than I can even begin to count. The words I couldn't say, I wrote. When I would have days where I'd wake up and just hurt, but I couldn't explain why, I would sit at my laptop and write it out. Even if all I was writing is 'I don't know why I feel this way', it felt better to have written something than to have done nothing at all. When my hard days came, I shut myself off from the world completely, and the only way I could speak was through my writing.
Though those dark days have slowly begun to fall behind me, my love for writing has prevailed, and shone through. I can't go a day without it. I started off as an avid poetry writer, which led into songwriting, and now, fanfiction. Yes. I am a fanfiction author, of the Jonas Brothers variety. You can judge me for that all you want, but understand that it doesn't faze me. Writing is my one refuge when I can find nowhere else to go, and through JBFA, I've found some incredible friends and a sense of belonging, where I get to share the things that come from my mind - my ideas, and little parts of me.
It's a wonderful feeling.
Sometimes every day is still a struggle for me. Though I don't get as low as I used to, there are days where I still shut off. It doesn't help that my family situation is sometimes tough - mostly due to the mistakes my brother has made. However, I try my best to keep my head up, because I know what it feels like to be down, and I try to keep my faith in tact and smile as often as I can, because I've learned that the hard times and the drama and the pain come when you least expect them to. I try not to take a single moment for granted.

As for my faith in God? It's slowly being restored.
I stumbled around for those six years, trying to rebuild my faith. Though I believed in Him still, I was angry for a while. To be honest, I was being selfish. All I could think about was how God had taken away a man I loved so much after I'd had a mere thirteen years with him. I wasn't ready to let him go. Plus, I hadn't gotten to say goodbye. And I was pissed. But after a while, the anger subsided, and all I felt was guilt. I wondered if God was then angry with me, after having loved me all my life, and I had treated Him like He was my mortal enemy. I felt ashamed. And I wondered if He was ashamed of me as well.
Then, I found Crosstalk.
My suitemate, who is now my roommate, asked me to come one Wednesday. And so, I did. And at first, I felt out of place because I didn't know anyone or the songs they sang, and I felt uncomfortable. But that night, Grayson, one of the pastors, said a prayer, and in it he asked for all who felt lost, or insecure, or had the tendency to beat themselves down to just look up and be acknowledged. I did, and I looked around, and I saw that I wasn't alone. And suddenly, I felt like I had found a place of support.
And I had.
I joined a heart group made up of some of the sweetest girls I've ever met. I go to Crosstalk almost every Wednesday when I'm at my university (there are some days where I can't, of course), and we have our heart group afterwards. Slowly, I've been finding strong faith again. It's just a group of students and alumni, getting together to celebrate and worship, and the faith that fills the room each week is awe-inspiring to me.
Don't read this and think you know what kind of Christian I am. Even I am not sure. I don't read my bible every day, or even often at all. I don't spout verses from memory. To be honest, I may never be like that. Do I think it's wrong? No. I'm not one to preach and tell people how they should believe, or that they should give themselves to God, because everyone has their own life to lead. I've found strength in faith, but I'm still learning. Everyone finds their strength in different places. I've found mine through my family, through my writing, and through God.


All in all, I think like everyone, I have a story of my own, and it's not exactly black-and-white. Every person has a story; one made of many facets, some jagged-edged, some smooth. And each individual finds a different way to share that story.
Mine is through writing, as you'll find out through here.

So stick around. There are many more chapters of my life to come.