It takes so much out of me to pretend.
Last night, I admitted something for the first time: I'm unhappy with my life.
I'm unhappy with the path I've chosen to travel. I'm unhappy with pretending I like where I am in my life right now. I'm unhappy that I feel I can't go to the people who matter most to me - my parents - and tell them that I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy that I'm scared of failing, so instead of chasing dreams, I've sat back and gone a "safe route."
Well, quite frankly, I am sick of the "safe route."
I talked for...I have no idea how many hours last night with two incredible friends about my fears. I told them that I'm not happy with what I've been doing. I finally settled into majoring in education because I needed to decide on something, and I love kids, and I knew I would be good at teaching. But is teaching what I really want to do? ...yes and no. I can see myself doing it. I know I'll be great at it. And I know I'd enjoy it. But I don't have the passion for it that many of the people in my major do. And the last thing I'd want to do is go through with this career where so many little lives depend on me to move them forward in their education. What kind of role model would I be, living a life I'm not sure how much I want while telling them they should always follow their dreams? If I'm too scared to follow my own, how can I expect them to be brave enough to?
My Twin, Kate, one of my dearest friends, has been my biggest fan for almost a year now. She was the first I opened up to about how much writing truly meant to me. She was the first of my friends to read my work and understand how I felt about it. She was the first to tell me that I didn't suck as bad as I thought I did, haha. She encouraged me, and lifted me up when I was down, and I in turn somehow managed to get her to write too - she's very, very talented. And last night, Kate told me that she believes that writing is my God-given talent and that it would be a shame if I didn't pursue it.
And then there's Sarah, a girl whose writing I've been reading for a while and she never ceases impressing me - seriously, she's so talented. And last night I ended up pouring my heart out without even meaning to.
About two weekends ago, my mother expressed her feelings about how she feels that my brother and I take, take, take and never give back. Her feelings are valid. She's right. We don't appreciate her and my father like we should. It's something I'm ashamed of and I intend to change, because I know how much it hurts me to feel like they don't appreciate me, either. It's an ugly feeling and to know that I've made them feel just as they've made me feel...it hurts.
My mom telling me the way we - I - made her feel, it stirred up all of these feelings I've been fighting with. My uncertainty with my major. My want to chase after my dream of being a writer, but how fear has been keeping me from doing so. I'm afraid that having that dream isn't enough. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. Afraid of failing. Up until now, I have never had something to feel proud of; not to me, anyway. I'm sure I've done things that have made my parents proud of me, but writing is the first thing that I have looked at and been proud of myself for. It's the one thing in my life I have complete control over. I'm not afraid of who I am when I write. I'm just...me. And I have found a group of people who stand by me through it, but there are two people who I need most at my side - my mother and my father.
Sarah went through pretty much the same feelings I'm going through now. And she put on her brave face and went to her parents about it. Last night, she was so incredibly encouraging and she assured me that I can do this. I'm so grateful to have found her.
And Twin - I can't even begin to explain how happy I am to have her as my best friend. She is always there for me in any way I need her to be. If I need to vent, she listens. If I need to cry, she comforts me. If I need to know I can do something so big - like change courses in my life - she tells me I can do it, even if I don't feel I can. If I need to stop crying, she shows me pictures of Nick Jonas (that kid is a cure-all, I tell you, haha). Anyway, my point is that she's one of the most amazing people to have in my corner, and then you add on Sarah, who knows exactly how I feel, and I couldn't ask for a better team.
But they're not the only ones, and that's what's so wonderful about where I've found myself on JBFA. I've got Becky, who's become my best friend and confidant and who has this talent I can't wait for the rest of the world to realize, and Cat, who is my writing heroine and has taught me to write with purpose and to write for me, and Jenna, who inspires me every day to write with the intention of making something of myself, and Luca, who writes so beautifully that it feels that the world stops moving when I read her writing, and Bridget, who has to be one of the most incredibly driven writers I've ever come across, and Fia, who never ceases to call me out on when me and Nick are being sloppy (haha) but also makes me feel like I'm a better writer than I feel I am while also being this great writer herself, and Lynn, who's become my sister from another mister and a girl with more potential than I can even begin to express...and so many more people. Kristi. MA. Kristen. Jasmine. Jolene. Eloralee. I have so many people backing me up and inspiring me and...it's hard to even fathom how I ended up having such an incredible team to look up to and to lean on, but I'm grateful for each and every one. And there are so many more people but if I took the time to list them, we'd be here forever.
I turned to writing because I needed something that was mine amongst all the chaos surrounding my life, involving my brother and everything that's happened with him, most specifically last summer. I felt lost, and sad, and angry, and so I turned to writing, something that's always been a constant in my life, but this time, I fell into fiction.
I was a terrible fiction writer before this. I was a terrible fiction writer when I picked it up last summer. I cringe reading some of the things I've written in the past, but I've learned from those mistakes I've made and I've grown as a writer, and I still have so much more room to grow. I'm looking forward to become a better writer.
But right now, I'm drained, because I feel like I've been living this double life; this life where I can't celebrate simple wins that mean everything to me because I fear my parents will think I'm silly. I couldn't tell them I won awards for my writing and that one of my pieces won the monthly challenge because I'm afraid they won't understand it. But how do I know they won't understand until I share with them, right? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm shortchanging myself from having a life that truly makes me happy. So I'm finally facing the fact that I can't keep living this...half-life.
I currently have that song on repeat. "Half-Life" by Duncan Sheik. It's not completely on point with how I'm feeling but it's a pretty damn good example. The first verse and chorus are pretty much how I feel in a nutshell. I've had it on repeat for this whole time.
And now, my roommate - also named Sarah - just walked in the room and asked me what's up. She knew something was wrong when I didn't get out of bed this morning when I should've been going to class. So I just paused writing this blog to spill my guts, and she told me that maybe I'm not as far off-track as I think I am - that maybe both teaching and writing are in my heart and that I don't have to give either up. She also told me something obvious - my parents can't understand how important writing is to me until I tell them how important it is to me.
Sarah was the first person outside of JBFA who I really expressed my love for writing and the fandom in which I write with. And she was incredibly accepting and even encouraged me to share. And she read my works and actually enjoyed them. And she told me I was good. Hearing that from someone who doesn't do what I do as far as writing goes...that meant the world to me. And it meant even more because she's an incredibly honest person and I knew she wouldn't lie to me just because she's my friend.
So, here I stand, at a crossroads. I'm not sure which direction to take, and that scares me, but I know the first step I have to take is the one that leads me into my parents' arms. I need to tell them my fears, and my aspirations. I need them to know that writing is more than a passing fad for me. It is me. It's a very big part of my life, and I won't give it up for anything, but I need some guidance, and most of all, I need their support.
It's not going to be easy, but I have people who believe in me, and even Nick Jonas in dream form last night encouraged me - he was second-guessing his path and he went to his mother about it. He told her about his fears and his dreams and how he wasn't happy. I remember thinking how brave I thought he was, as I watched him. I think that dream was my mind's way of telling me I can and need to do this.
I need to have that bravery.
There's a first step I'm destined to take.
And I've got to start somewhere.
I'm scared as hell, but I'm going to take that leap. I'm tired of being unhappy and afraid.
I deserve to be happy.
